seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
