So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
