She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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