This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
