Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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