I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
