What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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