Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
