Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
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He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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