she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
