I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
