She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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