please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
