i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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