it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.