Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
