guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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