I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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