he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
