I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
