You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
