my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
