mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
