gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
