Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
