I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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