i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
