my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
