mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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