just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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