I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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