and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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