i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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