Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
