I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
