i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
