I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
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He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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