Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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