My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
