Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
