Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
