happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i think my cat just said my name.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written