She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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