If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
