She is in my trunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
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Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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