I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
