...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
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It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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