Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
