I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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