The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
