I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
