Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
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I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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