youre lurking in front of me
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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