he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
