the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
